


Insidious

by hyesoh



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Originally Posted on LiveJournal, Psychological Horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-22
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2019-01-01 06:56:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12151131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyesoh/pseuds/hyesoh
Summary: At what point does love become obsession?





	Insidious

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on LiveJournal on August 2013.

Jongin tried to remind himself that everything they did was for the fans. Every hand-holding and subtle-but-not-really smiles, as well as every word that falls out of their lips in public. Everything was a lie.

He thought that lying would come easy to him. After all, Kai was the lie he made to hide Jongin. Kai was confident and sexy. Jongin, on the other hand, was shy and awkward. He had been Kai for most of the past year. He shouldn't be a stranger to playing pretend.

Kyungsoo was different from him. DO was still Kyungsoo. DO might be more of the performer and Kyungsoo might be more of the 'mom,' but it's still him. His smiles are always the same. They're always bright, innocent, and sincere.

Both DO and Kyungsoo love Chanyeol in a level far above being friends or brothers. Only DO puts up with KaiSoo. Kyungsoo shrugs him off—Jongin or Kai, he doesn't know anymore—as soon as the front door of their dorm closes. Kai disappears until it's time to face the cameras again. Jongin...

Jongin breaks apart.

–-

It's quite normal to share things among them. Not only does it help them dish out the much needed fan-service without even thinking about it, it also, in a way, increases their level of bonding—never mind that Baekhyun always bitches whenever people don't return his stuff to him.

But when Jongin lends Kyungsoo his clothes, he means something by it. It wasn't much of a gesture, Jongin knew, but it was something. It wouldn't be obvious at first, but that would be okay. He was okay with starting small. Baby steps.

Later, Jongin starts to share food with him—more than he does with the others. He could see Kyungsoo's secretly pleased look (even if sometimes Jongin was sharing food that Kyungsoo himself had cooked) and that makes him happy in turn. He starts to compliment Kyungsoo more: small but genuine observations that he chooses to voice out instead of just keeping it to himself, like, “You danced pretty well today, hyung,” or “You're the best cook ever, hyung.”

And it works. Not as he intended, not really, but close. Kyungsoo warms up to him. They start to talk more, both inside and outside the dorm, whether they were facing cameras or not. They were friends now. DO and Kai, Kyungsoo and Jongin, it started to not matter who they were at the moment.

Jongin knows Kyungsoo still loves Chanyeol; but at the moment, he doesn't really mind. He had time. He had his charm. Kyungsoo will eventually fall for him instead.

–-

“It's okay, hyung,” Jongin said quietly, as if talking to a skittish animal. Kyungsoo's eyes were wide—wider than normal, clearly expressing panic. He looked like he wanted to run away, and Jongin couldn't exactly blame him.

A few seconds ago, Jongin had opened the bathroom door to find Kyungsoo jacking off in the shower, eyes closed and lips parted open. He caught the last syllable of Chanyeol's name before Kyungsoo noticed that Jongin was standing frozen in the doorway, undeniably just bearing witness on how his band-mate and roommate was jacking off to one of their other band-mates.

“It's okay,” he repeated, now approaching the boy with hands held up and palms open. It really wasn't, not at all, but a small lie would have to do for now. “Your secret is safe with me. I won't tell anyone.” Kyungsoo remained unmoved. Jongin sighed and brought his forehead to rest against Kyungsoo's. “Look at me, hyung.”

When Kyungsoo finally managed to look at him, Jongin hoped that he projected understanding and not barely tamed jealousy. He could only imagine how mortifying it was, being caught masturbating, not to mention masturbating to another band-mate. He didn't know how he'd deal if any of the others found him moaning Kyungsoo's name while jacking off; He refused to think about Junmyeon giving him The Talk right now and instead tried to focus on Kyungsoo's still hard dick brushing against his clothed thigh.

“I'm taller than you,” Jongin said, silently pleading for Kyungsoo to understand him. He doesn't want to say it out loud and explicitly, afraid of coming out desperate. He doesn't want Kyungsoo to know he likes him like that yet. Not right now. Not like this. “My hairstyle now is slightly curly. If you close your eyes...”

He saw Kyungsoo gulp.  _'Please say yes, please say yes.'_  “Are you sure?” Kyungsoo asked, blinking up at him. Jongin deluded himself that the older's voice quavered in anticipation.

“It's morning,” Jongin said simply, trying to sound nonchalant. “I have to take care of mine, too.” A flash of doubt shone in Kyungsoo's eyes for a second and Jongin hastily added, “You don't have to do anything, though.”

“No, it's okay,” Kyungsoo said, and Jongin decided that he likes Kyungsoo looking like this, cheeks pink and pupils dilated, looking at him and not at anyone else. “It's the least I could do for your um...” He looked away and licked his lips self-consciously. “...offer to help me.”

Jongin smiled and tried hard to calm his own heartbeat down before he took Kyungsoo's jaw in one hand and pressed a gentle kiss on the older's forehead. “Close your eyes, hyung.”

Kyungsoo did, and Jongin savored the moment with all his being. He savored Kyungsoo's trust in him and the way he opened himself up to Jongin's kisses. He savored the way the older clung to his shoulders, breath hitching and legs shaking. He swallowed all of Kyungsoo's moans and relished in the way delicious pain danced over his back as Kyungsoo marked him with his fingertips and clawed at his skin. Jongin accepted everything—the shy kisses to his jaw, the smell of their shared citrus shampoo, the taste of Kyungsoo's skin...

“Ch-Chanyeol—“

He knew that he shouldn't be surprised that it wasn't his name that fell off the older boy's lips, given that he was the one who suggested that they play pretend, but he was. At that moment, with Kyungsoo's dick in his hand, his dick in Kyungsoo's hand, and Chanyeol's name on Kyungsoo's lips, Jongin wanted to laugh long and bitterly, but he didn't.

Instead, he bit his tongue until he tasted blood. He didn't even think Kyungsoo noticed how he refrained from kissing him afterward.

–-

Sometimes, the first time is also the last time.

Jongin didn't think it was possible for Kyungsoo to be any colder to him. He had been cold before Jongin tried to befriend him, but that was nothing. After the incident in the shower, Kyungsoo had barely looked at him. Even when he was DO, his eyes were guarded and his body was tense. Only Jongin noticed.

Devastated would be too kind of a word to describe how Jongin felt. What could he have possibly done wrong? He made sure Kyungsoo came first. He kept Kyungsoo's secret, as promised. He even tried to talk to him like normal during the first few days.

He didn't understand. Did Kyungsoo hate it when he opened his eyes and it wasn't Chanyeol in front of him, but Jongin? Did Kyungsoo, after getting his release, realized what happened and hated Jongin for it?

He knew it was his fault that he came on to Kyungsoo that day. But Kyungsoo wanted it too. He did. He wouldn't have agreed if he didn't. But was it only physical pleasure that Kyungsoo agreed to, as well as the illusion of Chanyeol doing such a thing to him, or did even a little part of him accept Jongin as well?

Jongin thought he could become friends with Kyungsoo. Jongin thought he  _had_  become friends with Kyungsoo. He doesn't know where he stood now. He shook his head. It was no good thinking about this.

So instead, he took a deep breath and blurred his eyes against the sea of flashing lights. When Suho passed him the mic, he introduced himself dutifully. When he passed the mic to Luhan, he made sure to let his touch linger for just a moment too long before he flicked a half-lidded gaze to the older man's eyes. Luhan had grinned in response, knowing exactly what he was doing and gamely playing along.

The fans' screams were deafening. He smiled. He doesn't need DO for this.

Later, when the fan pictures were uploaded on the internet, he saw the smile he gave Luhan caught on camera. One corner of his lips was barely turned up, and it made him look arrogant. It was Kai's smile.

–-

Jongin didn't know about the darkness in his heart until he saw Chanyeol jokingly press a kiss on Kyungsoo's cheek before all of EXO-K, except Kyungsoo and Jongin, left for the Idol Olympics along with Zitao and Luhan. Kyungsoo had spluttered and smacked Chanyeol's arm while the other boy smiled his trademark happy virus smile and said, “Wish us luck!”

Sehun, being the brat that he was, launched onto Kyungsoo as well, spouting nonsense about how unfair it was for Kyungsoo to let Chanyeol kiss him for luck when he wasn't even going to play any sport and proceeded to pepper Kyungsoo's cheeks with kisses. Kyungsoo had laughed and tried to push Sehun away, but Baekhyun joined in too and said he was the oldest son so he had the right to kiss their mom first.

Junmyeon only shook his head as he watched fondly from the doorway before Chanyeol pushed the oldest to kiss Kyungsoo as well. Junmyeon sighed and swatted Baekhyun and Sehun off Kyungsoo before he placed a kiss on the boy's forehead and said, “I'm sorry about the kids, yeobo.”

Baekhyun howled with laughter at Kyungsoo's gobsmacked face and pulled a greasily smiling Junmyeon away from the younger boy. Sehun groaned and fell dramatically on Chanyeol's arms, fake-sobbing about fail parenting. Chanyeol groaned as well, but it was because he had to bear Sehun's dead weight and help maneuver the youngest out of the dorm because the latter had absolutely refused to act his age after seeing his 'parents' being flirty with each other.

Jongin—whom everyone thought was still asleep, watched from the shadow of the doorway to their bedrooms how Kyungsoo had waved goodbye before he collapsed on the couch as soon as the door closed, his palm flat on the cheek that Chanyeol had kissed, his lips set in a small, shy smile.

Jongin barely noticed the pain he was inflicting on himself from digging his nails on his palms. He went back to bed and slept again.

–-

When Jongin woke up, it was past two in the afternoon.

Kyungsoo was in the kitchen, all sorts of cookbooks that had been gifts from his fans surrounding him. He looked like he was deciding what to cook for dinner, when all the K members, plus Zitao and Luhan, would return from filming the Idol Olympics. Jongin broke the silence by opening the fridge door.

Kyungsoo's shoulder's jumped at the sound. “Hey.” In his shock, the elder seemed to have forgotten that they hadn't really been talking. Jongin wondered if it was just his imagination or if just one word from Kyungsoo made it all the more easier for him to breathe. “You've been asleep for hours. Has your waist been acting up?”

Jongin winced in memory of how he was injured at Incheon Airport last January before leaving for the Philippines. In truth, there were still occasional flashes of pain when he would move suddenly, but other than that, he was fine. He was about to say 'no' when he saw Kyungsoo's genuinely worried eyes—eyes that haven't looked at him properly ever since that day in the bathroom.

“Yeah,” he said, before looking back at the contents of the fridge without really seeing. It was only a little lie. “You shouldn't worry, though. It's nothing.”

“Don't 'nothing' me,” Kyungsoo said, his harsh tone taking Jongin by surprise and making him pause from getting a bottle of vitamin water. “I mean,” Kyungsoo amended sheepishly, “Do you...do you want me to put pain relief patches on your waist?”

But putting pain relief patches was Junmyeon's job and Jongin doubted that Kyungsoo would have thought of volunteering to put the patches on him had there been anyone else in the dorm. He realized he can't breathe properly again. “No. I'm okay, really.”

Kyungsoo was looking at him seriously. “Are you sure?”

His grip on the vitamin water bottle tightened.  _'No.'_  “Yes.”

An uncomfortable silence fell, which Jongin spent drinking water while studiously looking nonchalant as Kyungsoo went back to consulting his cookbooks and posting sticky-notes here and there.

”I'm going back to bed,” he announced, after throwing the bottle on the recyclable bin a minute later. Kyungsoo didn't even look up. Jongin thought that he really should get used to this treatment.

“Jongin, I—“

Jongin stopped on his tracks. The crescent-shaped wounds on his palms from where he had dug his nails awhile ago were throbbing. “Please don't try to be so nice to me when you obviously don't mean it. We're the only ones here. No one's filming us.” He knew that he was the rudest of the six of them, perhaps even out of the twelve of them, but even he knew that being polite while using words that cut subtly was harsher than flat out giving lip and storming off. He's been in showbiz long enough.

Kyungsoo didn't reply. Jongin took it as a sign that it was okay to walk away.

He was starting to suffocate.

–-

Jongin was already half-asleep when he was jolted awake to the feeling of someone putting pain relief patches on his lower back.

“It's really bothering you, huh?” It was Kyungsoo's voice. Jongin relaxed and turned sideways to face Kyungsoo. The older wasn't looking at him, concentrating instead on placing the patches on his skin.

He told himself that it was only a little lie. “Yeah.”

The concern on Kyungsoo's face grew. “Jongin, I'm...I'm not pretending to be nice to you.” He sighed and looked at Jongin in the eye. “I'm sorry if we haven't—“ Kyungsoo corrected himself. “—if  _I_  stopped talking to you after...” He averted his eyes. “After that.”

Jongin waited. Kyungsoo started to put away the unused patches back on the medical kit he brought with him to distract himself from looking at Jongin directly. “I was just so confused,” he said, sounding conflicted. “It was the first time I did something like that, and I thought that you'd hate me because of what I made you do.”

“But you didn't force me, hyung,” Jongin said slowly, willing for Kyungsoo to understand. Wanting him to understand.  _'Please understand. Please, please, please.'_  “I was the one who—“

“The point is,” Kyungsoo interrupted. “I handled the situation poorly. You've been trying to talk to me, and I've been trying to avoid you.” He shook his head and smiled sadly. “I'm so sorry, Jongin-ah. I'll try to be a better person in the future.”

“There's no need to be sorry,” Jongin said gently. So Kyungsoo had been confused. He should have expected it, shouldn't he? But for Kyungsoo to be torn about the emotions he felt towards Jongin...perhaps Kyungsoo was already falling in love with him after all? “You're already the best person there is.”

Jongin's heart soared and then proceeded to go to cloud nine at supersonic speed as Kyungsoo hit him gently on the arm before smiling shyly—it looked almost like the way he smiled at Chanyeol's kiss. “So are we okay?”

_'Yes.'_  “Yes.”

“Good,” Kyungsoo said as he snapped the lid of the medical kit close. He smiled his heart-shaped smile that Jongin loves so much. “Come on, I made us kimchi spaghetti.”

It was impossible for Jongin to feel any pain from his almost healed waist injury, even as he leapt out of bed to follow Kyungsoo to the kitchen, because his heart bursting with happiness.

–-

Approximately a week later, Jongin woke up in the middle of the night with a growling stomach. He tried to ignore it, but his stomach was bitchier than Sehun deprived of bubble tea, so Jongin had no choice but to get out of bed and hope that there was a yet unlabeled pack of pudding on the fridge to snack on.

When he sat up, he saw that Kyungsoo's bed was empty and that the door to their room was slightly open. There was already muted light streaming in. Jongin grinned. Maybe he could bully his roommate into making him food; Not that he could, but it wouldn't hurt to try.

As he walked towards the kitchen, he heard Kyungsoo's voice as well as someone else's. Jongin slowed down and made sure not to tread on the parts of the wooden floor that creaked.

“He's still gone.” It was Chanyeol. Bile started to rise to Jongin's throat. “It's been a week. No news, no nothing. We don't even know what he's doing or where he's going. What if—”

They were talking about Yifan. Jongin stopped just a meter away from the kitchen, his body hidden in the shadows.

There was the sound of a mug being put down on the table. “Stop,” Kyungsoo said. He was using his 'mom' voice. “Stop that. Yifan-hyung knows what he's doing. He's older than either of us. He won't leave EXO or anything the fan-forums are saying.” There was a pause. “We are one.”

“We are one.” Chanyeol chuckled weakly as he echoed their words. “Thank you for listening to me, Kyungsoo-ah. Sorry if I scared you earlier.”

“No problem.” Another pause from Kyungsoo. “I wasn't scared.”

Jongin didn't feel hungry anymore, so he silently went back to bed.

–-

The darkness inside his heart grows.

–-

It didn't matter where he wanted to go. If he wanted to be in Seoul, he would just think about the taste of tteokbokki burning his tongue. If he wanted to be in Beijing, he would simply think of the view from the hotel they stayed in when they went there.

If he wanted to go to Japan to pick up the latest Shounen Jump, never mind that he wasn't that good in Japanese, or if he wanted to revisit his memories when he and his band-mates visited California Disneyland, all he had to do was imagine being there, and he was.

But then the world was consumed in flames and it didn't matter if Jongin teleported to the North Pole, or to the top of Mount Everest. Everything was burning, and he had nowhere to go. Not to his parents' house in Seoul, or even to that sky-diving place Taemin went to in Switzerland.

Desperate, he thought about Kyungsoo. But when his feet landed on the ground, there was nothing around him but fire, roaring in his ears like waves in the sea. His lungs started to fill with the scent of burning, but it was unlike the cigarettes he used to smoke; Instead, it smelled like roasting meat, melting rubber, and strangely enough, salt.

–-

Jongin gasped as he woke up, and his hands shook as he lifted them up to gingerly touch his neck. His pulse was racing and he struggled to regulate his breathing. He knew that he had dreamt of something, but he couldn't remember what happened, only that the dream was not a dream at all, but a nightmare.

On the other side of the room, Kyungsoo slept peacefully. Jongin didn't dare wake him up for something as silly as a nightmare.

–-

“You look tired,” Junmyeon remarked when he managed to corner Jongin before they trooped inside the van to go to Sehun's graduation.

Jongin sighed and stood still. He was done with his rebellious phase of not letting Junmyeon treat him like a little kid. The sooner he lets the older brush his hair, the sooner Junmyeon can move on to babying the other members. “I'm okay.”

“Yes, well, you look like you haven't been sleeping well,” Junmyeon said, hitting the bull's eye in one guess. He pressed his forehead against Jongin and frowned. “If you're sick, or if your injuries are—“

Jongin weakly batted him away. “Seriously, hyung, I'm fine. It's only because you're a morning person that you don't look tired like the rest of us.”

Junmyeon chuckled weakly before patting his cheek twice. He still didn't look convinced, but he didn't press and just said, “Then I'll take that as a compliment,” before leaving Jongin to bother with Jongdae's already WTF-looking hair (Zitao defended himself by placing a hat on his head when he saw Junmyeon coming towards him with a comb) and asking the EXO-M members if Yixing was fine being left alone in the dorm.

–-

As luck would have it, Chanyeol and Jongin were seated next to each other in the van because Sehun, who usually sat between the two of them, insisted that he wanted to ride shotgun because he was already an 'Oh-dult.' (Sehun was the only one who found the joke funny; Everyone else just laughed along because it was his special day.)

“What's wrong with you today?” Jongin asked irritably as Chanyeol started to hum a BAP song and made little dance movements with his hands. Junmyeon was the only morning person in EXO and it was unusual for the others to feel chipper this early in the morning.

“Yifan-hyung updated his RenRen,” Chanyeol said simply, before smiling so wide that his right eye squinted. Jongin was about to ask what Yifan said, but Chanyeol was already back to humming Warrior, so he went back to looking outside the window.

It was a bright morning. Cold, yes, but the air was fresh and crisp. From the corner of his eye, he saw Luhan playing with his rubix cube, Junmyeon quietly reassuring Jongdae that his hair 'looks fine stop worrying about it,' Minseok and Kyungsoo with their heads bowed down, taking a nap in the distance between their dorm and Sehun's school, Tao and Baekhyun talking in broken Chinese-Korean, and Sehun talking their manager and the driver's ears off.

It was in the middle of this calm that Chanyeol said something, probably just to himself, that made ice creep up the corners of Jongin's heart. He knew that it was only meant in an offhand manner, and that coming from Chanyeol, it was no different than if the boy had commented about the weather, but the build-up of frost pierced the wall containing the darkness in his heart and it, in turn, started to leak out the shadows.

“Uwah,” Chanyeol had said, possibly in the little silence between the songs in his iPod. “Kyungsoo looks really cute today.”

Jongin pretended he didn't hear. The comment wasn't directed at him, and it wasn't said so that he, or anyone, could comment on it further. So he remained quiet and let the familiar streets flick in front of his eyes like a film reel, but he really wasn't processing the images, and there was a strange ringing in his ears.

–-

“Can I ask you a question?” Jongin asked Kyungsoo when they returned from celebrating Sehun's graduation. The others were already in the kitchen snacking on the leftovers they bought from the restaurant, but Jongin stayed behind to help Kyungsoo pick up and fold the members' jackets that had been shrugged off carelessly in the living room.

Kyungsoo sighed and said, “Yes, I sometimes wish you guys could be as much of a neat-freak as I am. Yes, I like it when I'm not the one in charge of cooking. And yes, I wanted to hit Sehun because of his 'oh-dult' joke. Did I answer your question?”

“Not really,” Jongin said honestly.

Kyungsoo squinted at Jongin suspiciously over folding Jongdae's jacket. “I hope it's not about aerodynamics.”

Jongin chuckled. “As if. Attending graduations is the only academically-related thing I'm okay in doing at the moment.”

“Right,” Kyungsoo said noncommittally. “So what's your question?"

Jongin licked his lips in nervousness. He knew that there would be other times—better times, in the future when he could ask these questions, but he was afraid that by then, he wouldn't have the courage he had now.

He was about to ask his question when he heard voices coming down the hallway—probably the four M members heading back to their dorm with food for Yixing, and his courage left him. He must have tried to tell Kyungsoo that he would just ask his question when they were properly alone, but what came out instead was a gurgle, and he was too mortified by his awkwardness to rectify the situation that he stood up abruptly and fled to the bedroom.

Kyungsoo stared after him.

–-

“What did you want to ask?”

Jongin nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of Kyungsoo's voice. He just got out of the bathroom after preparing for bed and mentally stabbing himself for being so awkward, only to see that Kyungsoo had been waiting for him in their room, patiently sitting on his own bed.

“I, um...” He looked around and shuffled his feet. “It's a bit...”

Kyungsoo smiled before he patted the space beside him. Jongin went obediently and sat on Kyungsoo's bed but said nothing.

“Wow. Your question must be serious, then,” Kyungsoo commented, trying to lighten up the atmosphere. “You're only super awkward when—“

“What if you like someone who likes someone else? Do you ever wish that they met you first or that they shouldn't have met the person they like?”

Jongin didn't mean to blurt it out so abruptly like that, but he did, and he knew before he finished asking that the damage was done and he couldn't take back his words as a joke. Kyungsoo's eyes were wide, but there was a smile on his lips. “Who's the lucky girl?”

Jongin's face fell. He misunderstood. But how could he even think that Jongin would like someone else who isn't him? “This isn't...” Jongin wanted to flail his arms around. “This is about you, hyung.”

Kyungsoo's smile froze in his face before it was replaced by a long, serious look that shifted from doubt, to fear, to an emotion that Jongin couldn't decipher.

It took a while before Kyungsoo answered. When he did, it was with the tone of someone who had carefully picked out the words they were about to say. “Jongin-ah, I don't know where you got that idea, but I never wished for Chanyeol to not have met Yifan-hyung.”

So he knew about Yifan and Chanyeol. But does that mean that Kyungsoo also understands what Jongin was currently feeling right now? Is that why he is intentionally misunderstanding him? He couldn't look away from Kyungsoo's gaze. He had to know. Guessing was no good like this, even if the timing was as bad as it could get. “I wasn't talking about your feelings for Chanyeol-hyung.”

It took a second for Kyungsoo to finally realize what he was trying to say, but when he did, his face crumpled and he looked like he didn't know where to look. He certainly couldn't look at Jongin in the eye. Not yet, at least.

The edges of Jongin's world were starting to crumble. “If you met me first, or if you never met Chanyeol-hyung, is it possible that you'll fall in love with me instead?”

“Oh, Jongin.”

Jongin hated being pitied. And to be shown the emotion you hate the most by the person you love the most was—

“Is it possible, hyung?”

It took a few more moments before Kyungsoo finally looked him in the eye. When he did, he reached over, brushed Jongin's bangs away from his forehead and smiled encouragingly.

“Of course.”

Jongin didn't know what happened, but the next thing he knew, Kyungsoo's arms were around him, patting his back, and his head was buried in Kyungsoo's shoulder. His hands were clutching at Kyungsoo's clothes desperately. Had he been crying? How embarrassing. He buried his face deeper and groaned. Kyungsoo chuckled.

“Do you love me that much?” he asked, his tone teasing. Jongin nodded, but he felt more than saw the older shaking his head disbelievingly. “You're still young,” Kyungsoo said. “You'll get to love someone else more than you love me now.”

“No, I won't,” Jongin replied stubbornly and clung harder. “And you're just a year older than I am. Stop talking like Junmyeon-hyung.”

Kyungsoo laughed. “Do you want to sleep here with me tonight?”

There was a pause.

“No naughty thoughts,” Kyungsoo added firmly, when he saw Jongin's puffed-up eyes peek up at him, the beginnings of Kai's sexy grin on his face. And then, just as quickly, Kai was gone and the boy in front of Kyungsoo was back to being Jongin, who laughed playfully and hurried to his bed to get his pillows and his Crong plushie.

–-

Kyungsoo fell asleep minutes after lying down, but Jongin struggled to stay awake, trying to memorize the feeling of happiness in being enveloped in Kyungsoo's arms and realizing that he wanted a lot of things.

He wanted to wake up to the sight of Kyungsoo's face, the older smiling sleepily before pulling him in for a kiss. He wanted to take baths with Kyungsoo that would always result in doing something more. He wanted to sneak kisses when other people are around, just to see Kyungsoo blush and scold him halfheartedly. He wanted the two of them to enlist in the military at the same time, finally kiss him in front of the fans during EXO's retirement stage, get married abroad, and always, always be together.

The problem was, it scared Jongin because he wanted all of it so much. He pulled Kyungsoo closer to him unconsciously. Still asleep, Kyungsoo snuggled closer to his warmth. It helped curb the fear that had lodged up his throat.

–-

Jongin woke up alone in Kyungsoo's bed, with the sheets on the empty side cool to the touch. He felt a surge of panic before he remembered that Kyungsoo always gets up early so that he could prepare breakfast. Still, he could have stayed in bed and waited for him to wake up.

Jongin shook his head to clear his thoughts before he started sulking. It shouldn't matter that Kyungsoo didn't stay in bed with him this morning. There would be other mornings to come. They had their whole lives ahead of them.

Thinking this, Jongin dutifully made Kyungsoo's bed, making sure that there were little to no creases on the sheets. He knew it would please the older, and might just reward him with a kiss and allow him into his bed more often.

After making sure that everything was in order, including his pillows and Crong plushie back on his own bed, he skipped towards the bathroom and, in his excited state, did little dance movements while showering. He thought about hugging Kyungsoo from behind when he gets to the kitchen, aegyo his way to a good morning kiss on the cheek, and who cares who sees.

He imagines Junmyeon's eyebrows disappearing beneath his bangs, Baekhyun making gagging noises, Chanyeol pouting and complaining how he wants to do the same thing to Yifan-hyung, and Sehun jumping out of his seat and running to M's dorm, yelling for Luhan and ranting about an affair between his mom and his 3rd older brother.

He laughed to himself. It's been a long time since he felt this happy.

–-

Jongin froze at the sight that greeted him in the kitchen.

Junmyeon was reading the Business portion of the newspaper with his eyebrows furrowed, Baekhyun was playing with a piano app on his phone, tongue between his teeth in concentration, and Sehun was resting his head on his arms, taking a nap while Kyungsoo finishes cooking their food.

Jongin didn't see any of them. Instead, he saw Chanyeol, his arms wrapped around Kyungsoo's waist, his head on Kyungsoo's shoulder, pouting and looking put out while Kyungsoo looked like he was trying very hard to look stern while focusing on the soup he's cooking. His cheeks were tinted red.

It was exactly how Jongin envisioned himself with Kyungsoo when he was in the shower, except that right now, it was Chanyeol in his place.

_'How dare you,'_  a little voice that was slowly getting louder in Jongin's mind snarled, before he felt his blood begin to boil and darkness started to cloud his vision.  _'How fucking dare you.'_

–-

“Hey, Jongin. Glad to see that you're up," Junmyeon greeted cheerfully when he noticed the younger standing in the doorway. His smile fell off his face when Jongin didn't reply and just continued glaring at the stove's direction. “Are you okay?” he asked, and moved to stand just as Jongin broke from whatever trance he was in.

“Hey hyung,” Jongin greeted back, less enthusiastically and a tad mechanically. Junmyeon frowned. There was something wrong. He prided himself in knowing his members, and knew that Jongin would usually just grunt a greeting before heading straight to the fridge and snack on something while waiting for their proper breakfast. Today, he just walked to his designated chair and sat quietly. His hands seem to be shaking.

Baekhyun, who snacks with Jongin while waiting for their breakfast, noticed the change as well when Jongin didn't head over to the fridge. “You look like you woke up on the wrong side of the bed,” he remarked, to which Jongin raised an eyebrow and coolly replied, “On the other side of my bed is a wall, hyung.”

Baekhyun shrugged. “You fell off the bed, then.”

“At least someone didn't kick you out of their bed,” Sehun grumbled, joining the conversation.

“This is because unlike you, we don't try to get into Luhan-hyung's bed,” Jongin explained and patted Sehun's arm mock-comfortingly.

Sehun raised his head and made a face at both Baekhyun, who snickered, and Jongin, who was still patting his arm. “But I did go as far as getting on his bed. He just kicked me out when I was trying to get in his—“

Junmyeon coughed loudly before going back to reading his newspaper. Well. At least Jongin was acting more or less like normal at the moment, if his interaction with the others was an indication. Maybe it was just that he thought breakfast would be prepared when he arrived and, seeing that it wasn't yet, felt sulky. But it still didn't explain why...

Junmyeon stopped his train of thought. He was over-thinking things again. Like earlier this morning, when he walked in and saw Chanyeol and Kyungsoo, he thought that the two were being all lovey-dovey (It wasn't his fault no one tells him about the legit couples in EXO) before he overheard their muted conversation and found out that Chanyeol only wants Kyungsoo to help him bake all sorts of pastries as a surprise for when Yifan arrives.

–-

“I know, you know,” Baekhyun told Jongin one day over playing video games. Jongin spared him a look before hitting Baekhyun's car hard, enough to cause it to swerve and hit a row of road block cones. Baekhyun laughed but didn't race after Jongin's car to retaliate, instead taking his time to collect the coins Jongin didn't bother to pick up.

“I'm just wondering what you're going to do about it.”

Jongin said nothing.

–-

Chanyeol wanted to know why Jongin kept avoiding him. Junmyeon told him not to worry about it and that it might just be Jongin being moody. He assured him that Jongin would go back to being normal sooner or later, and that it was best to wait whatever-it-is out rather than worrying. Chanyeol only nodded and hoped that Jongin would get over whatever-it-is soon, because he needed help with their comeback song's choreography and Sehun was being a brat.

Still, he couldn't help but feel that Jongin is genuinely angry at him, because he tried to apologize once, and Jongin just scoffed at him and told him he doesn't even know what he was apologizing for.

“I don't need or want your apology,” Jongin said irritably, when Chanyeol had persisted.

He remembered letting out a frustrated sigh before demanding, “Then what do you want me to do?” If it was something like buying Jongin fried chicken for a week or doing his chores, then he could live with it. At the moment, with their choreographer scolding him every time he missed the timing, he was desperate to get some help.

But Jongin's response was only a small smile, and it was directed more to himself than to Chanyeol. “You'll see,” he said, before he turned to leave. He sounded like he was having an inside joke with himself, and left Chanyeol more confused than ever.

–-

Sehun was sick of Jongin pining over Kyungsoo.

“You know,” he said one day, over the sound of crunching potato chips inside his mouth, “stop being such a wuss and just do it already.”

Jongin looked alarmed and suspicious at the same time. “What are you talking about?”

Oh for god's sake.

“Nothing,” he replied, before resolutely chewing louder, just to annoy Jongin. “Forget what I said. Take your time. I'm sure you have a lot of things to prepare for.”

Jongin nodded slowly. “Okay,” he said. Then, more vaguely, “Thanks.”

Sehun stopped chewing, then side-eyed Jongin and judged him hard because he was a peasant who didn't speak Sarcasmese, but Jongin was back to watching Kyungsoo discuss their new songs with Baekhyun to pay attention to him.

Sehun sighed. The way things are going, they were going to have their 10th anniversary concert before anything remotely interesting and blackmail-material-worthy would happen between Jongin and Kyungsoo, and wouldn't that be super.

–-

Days passed.

Jongin stopped being moody towards Chanyeol and helped him out with the choreography at the promise of free fried chicken after practice. (“I told you so,” Junmyeon said.) Chanyeol's wallet wailed, but at least the choreographer didn't scold him anymore.

Fans were delighted when they spotted Baekhyun, Zitao, Jongin, and Sehun shopping and eating out. Most of them thought that Baekhyun was treating the entire maknae line and showing Zitao around. It was pretty close to the truth. Baekhyun was aegyo-ed by Zitao to buy him a birthday present (even if it wasn't May yet), and in turn, Baekhyun dragged the protesting K-maknaes to come with them and carry their purchases.

In the end, Zitao got his Gucci products, Sehun got a brand new pair of rubber shoes (plus bubble-tea), Jongin got his fill of fried chicken, and Baekhyun was left with an almost empty wallet. Chanyeol sympathized with him and told him his consolation prize was that he looked good in the pictures the fans had taken.

Baekhyun almost hit him with a pillow because he looked absolutely bloated in that single picture where he was caught laughing at a sour-faced Jongin whom Sehun had dared into trying a Pororo raincoat. Chanyeol shrugged and let Baekhyun agonize about his supposedly bloated face alone, thinking that the older should be grateful that the fans had taken more pictures of Zitao, who gamely tried on a Hello Kitty raincoat and posed cutely.

Everything was normal.

–-

Kyungsoo woke up to the sight of Jongin in full rain-gear, tacky rubber gloves and boots included, inspecting a nail-cutter. The image was so ridiculous that Kyungsoo subconsciously wished to remember this part of the dream so he could tell it to Jongin in the morning and proceed to tease the younger about it. It wasn't as hilarious as the Pororo one the fans had taken pictures of Jongin wearing, as the one he was wearing now was a plain brown, but still.

He waited for the dream to fade. After some time, Jongin put down the nail-cutter and picked up a set of screwdrivers. Kyungsoo experimentally wiggled his toes—it was something his grandmother told him to do if he wanted to know if he was dreaming or not.

He wasn't dreaming.

As soon as he had this realization, he felt more awake and started to notice a lot of things. They were in Baekhyun and Chanyeol's room. Chanyeol was tied down on his bed, asleep. Baekhyun was nowhere to be seen. The variety of metal objects on top of the desk in the corner was enough to tell him that something wasn't right. He tried to move, but realized that he was tied down to a chair.

“Jongin?” His voice felt and sounded hoarse.

Jongin smiled brightly at the sound of his name. “Hey, hyung.”

The normalcy of Jongin's tone made fear creep in his veins. “What is going on?” he asked, watching Jongin place back the screwdriver he had been examining and walk towards him.

“I'm sorry I had to sedate you,” Jongin said, upon reaching him. “But don't worry. I only gave you a low dose.” He paused. “Well, compared to everyone else's, anyway.”

“If this is a prank, it's not funny—“

Jongin pouted and tilted his head. “What makes you think this is a prank?” He brushed Kyungsoo's lips with his thumb. “Did you feel that? This is very real.”

He shivered at the contact unconsciously. “Jongin, please, you're scaring me.”

Jongin's face crumpled. “No, no, no, no no.” His voice shook. “Please don't be afraid. I'm not going to hurt you.” He leaned forward and started to place kisses on Kyungsoo's cheeks, trying to reassure him. But with every kiss, Kyungsoo only felt more afraid. Jongin might be big on skinship with him, but this was too much, even if they were technically alone.

“You're hurting me right now,” he told Jongin, albeit gently. He was glad his voice didn't shake. “My wrists hurt, and my ankles, too. Let go of me, Jongin, please?” It was a lie. The binds didn't hurt him, but they weren't loose enough for him to try to wriggle free, either.

The look on Jongin's face was earnest as his fingers went over to examine the various ropes and strips of cloth that bound Kyungsoo to the chair. He tugged once in a while to see if it was indeed tight as Kyungsoo said. But in the end, after his inspection, Jongin did nothing but caress Kyungsoo's wrists. He looked honestly distressed. “I'm sorry if it hurts, but it will only take a short while before I'll take these off. Please bear with it.”

Something was definitely wrong. “What will?” Kyungsoo asked. He felt dread washing over him. “What will only take a short while?”

Jongin smiled ruefully. “You'll see.”

“Jongin—“

“Remember that talk we had, hyung?” Jongin interrupted. “About the possibility of you liking me if you met me first?”

“What about it?” He looked confused before he realized where this was going and paled. “Are you going to scare Chanyeol into staying away from me? Because you know he likes Yi—”

“Scare him?” It was Jongin's turn to look confused. “I'm not going to scare him, hyung,” Jongin said, as calmly as you please. “I'm going to kill him.”

The statement sank in, and Kyungsoo felt like he was being strangled. This had to be a dream. It had to be. Jongin wouldn't talk like this. No, he  _couldn't_  even talk like this, even if he wanted to. “You don't—you don't have to kill him. He doesn't like me like that anyway. You know that. Please.”

“Oh, hyung.” Jongin kissed his cheeks again. His eyebrows were furrowed and his eyes were pleading. “He's the problem, don't you see? If he's here, then even if he likes Yifan-hyung, you'll still like him.”

Jongin was being completely serious. A choked sob escaped from Kyungsoo's lips even as he tried to bite it back. “Then I'll cease liking him,” he promised. “I'll only like you.”

But Jongin shook his head. “I'm sorry, but I can't take that chance. You say you'll stop liking him now, but if you see him...”

Desperation. “Then I won't look at him.”

“How is that even possible?” Jongin asked, laughing bitterly. “You'll look at him one way or another. No. It won't do,” he said decisively before he sighed and started to brush Kyungsoo's bangs away from his forehead in a tender manner. “You know, I used to think that I should just give up on you. I used to tell myself that I should just focus on being EXO's Kai. I thought that I should just let time pass by normally. Comebacks, promotions, concerts, joining the military, retirement...” He smiled tiredly. “But it's too late.”

“It's never too late,” Kyungsoo said, and he believed in his words. “You can still have that normal life.”

“It's too late, hyung,” Jongin insisted, sounding as if he was standing on the edge of a precipice, wanting to jump, but at the same time, wanting to be saved. Kyungsoo saw it in the way his eyes were bright with madness even as his lips quivered. “Because I don't want a normal life. I want you.”

“Jongin please. You're—“  _'sick.'_  Kyungsoo thought, but didn't say out loud. One wrong word and everything could go to hell. “Just please, let me go. Let's talk about this. I'll cook your favorite fried chicken and we'll talk. When Chanyeol and the others wake up, we'll say it's all a prank.”

“You're so kind, hyung,” Jongin said regretfully. He leaned towards Kyungsoo, as if to kiss him again, but a groan was heard, and Kyungsoo could see Chanyeol moving on the bed from the corner of his eye.

And just like that, the spell was broken. No wrong words had been spoken, but Kyungsoo felt everything going to hell anyway. Jongin's face closed up, and his eyes hardened. It was like watching Jongin turn to Kai, only Kai had never worn such a mask of cold and silent anger. “Which is why I'm apologizing for choosing to go through this.”

“Jongin?”

Jongin leaned away, stood up, and walked towards the desk.

“Jongin!”

The boy spared him a glance this time, and then gave him a small, sad smile. “It will be over soon, hyung.”

“What the...Why...Why am I tied up?” Chanyeol looked disoriented as he took in his surroundings. His gaze fell on the two of them, him tied up in a chair, and Jongin wearing his ridiculous rain-gear outfit. “Jongin? Kyungsoo?”

“Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo called out brokenly, ignoring the way his vision blurred before the tears started to fall. He didn't even know the reason why he was crying. Was he crying for himself, because he was helpless to do anything? Was he crying for Jongin, who went mad with his love for him? Or was he crying for Chanyeol, who was unfortunate enough to be loved by him and was thus considered as a threat?

“It's okay,” he said, even if he didn't think it would be. He had to believe, for Chanyeol's sake. For his sake. Even for Jongin's sake, if the awkward, shy dongsaeng who loved him was still there, beneath the murderer's mask he had put on. “It's going to be fine, I promise.”

“Yes,” Jongin agreed, before he stepped closer to Chanyeol, who was still looking around, confused. Kyungsoo wasn't sure if his pleas were reaching Jongin's ears, or if his words had turned incoherent the moment he saw Jongin pick up pliers and a butcher's knife. “Everything is going to be alright.”

–-

Chanyeol had lain still for quite some time now, but blood was still dripping from the mattress and onto the floor. Kai wiped the sweat from his forehead and set aside the electric drill on his hands.

Kyungsoo had fallen silent as well. He was now only mutely staring towards the direction of Chanyeol's bed, cheeks stained with tear tracks even if no more tears flowed down. He didn't struggle or say a word as Kai removed the ropes binding him to the chair, or even when Kai fretted when he saw the raw wounds on Kyungsoo's wrists and ankles from when he had tried to break free.

“I'm sorry that it took longer than expected,” he said, before pressing kisses on Kyungsoo's wrists and massaging his ankles tenderly. Kyungsoo said and did nothing.

Feeling sulky that he was being ignored, Kai cupped the boy's face with both hands, what remained of Chanyeol's blood smearing on the older's cheeks. Kyungsoo didn't even flinch. His eyes were still gazing at the matted strands of dark brown hair that peeked over the gore on the bed.

“Hyung?” Anxiety. “Are you mad at me? Do you still love Chanyeol-hyung?”

Something flickered in Kyungsoo's eyes before his gaze shifted from Chanyeol's corpse to him. Kai waited, as he always did.

“I'm not mad at you,” Kyungsoo said softly, his voice barely above the volume of a whisper. His throat must still hurt from all the shouting he did earlier. “And I don't love Chanyeol anymore.”

“Okay.” He breathed out in relief, before he leaned in to kiss Kyungsoo's forehead. “I love you so much, hyung.”

“...I love you too, Jongin-ah.”

Kai smiled. At last. Kyungsoo was finally in love with him.

–-

_Baekhyun chuckled when it became clear that Jongin wasn't planning on replying.“You don't want to talk about it, huh? Of course not.” He put his controller down calmly and sat back, contented in watching Jongin beat the other game-controlled cars. Jongin looked pissed at him for losing voluntarily, but the boy continued racing and said nothing._

_“It's going to be the first of many secrets that you'll be keeping, if you aren't keeping some already,” Baekhyun said when the laps were done and the scores were being shown. “I just hope you know that.”_

_“I'm pretty sure I don't know what you mean, hyung,” was what Jongin said, but Baekhyun heard the underlying 'Fuck off,' in between the lines._

_“Of course you don't,” he agreed amiably. “But just so you know, I am very ready and very willing to help.” He grinned when Sehun passed by the living room and looked at them suspiciously. The TV screen was still showing the scores of the previous game, and neither of them moved to quit or start a new game._

_“I also won't charge you for my services,” he said a bit louder, enough for Sehun to hear. It caused the youngest to yelp and run as fast as he could away from them._

_Jongin blinked in puzzlement as soon as a door slammed close, presumably the door of Junmyeon and Sehun's room. “Okay, I think I can honestly say that I don't understand.”_

_Baekhyun let out a bark of laughter before sobering up immediately. Then, in a quiet voice, he said, “Leave the rest to me. EXO-M, the managers, Junmyeon-hyung, and Sehun-ah. Do what you will with Chanyeol and Kyungsoo.”_

_“I really don't know what--”_

_“Relax,” Baekhyun said offhandedly. “I told you, didn't I? I'm here to help you.”_

_Jongin's pretend confused face melted into an angry one that bordered on panic. The change showed in his eyes, and Baekhyun knew then, that it wasn't Jongin he was talking to anymore. “But how do you know?” the boy demanded. “And why are you letting me know that you know?”_

_Baekhyun made a face. “One question at a time, Kai.”_

_Jongin, no, Kai, narrowed his eyes at him. “You know. About me.”_

_“Yes.”_

_“How?”_

_Baekhyun raised an eyebrow at him. “I'm smart.”_

_Kai growled. “Fuck you. I don't need your help.”_

_Baekhyun scoffed at him. “Yes, you do. You're planning on just shopping for materials at a hardware store, aren't you? Do you think you're being sly? Do you think a little shopping trip would go unnoticed? Newsflash, Kai. Not only can the receipts be traced back to you, fans would have had uploaded pictures before you even get back to the dorm. And don't even get me started on them writing BDSM fanfiction.”_

_Kai fidgeted uncomfortably in a way that reminded Baekhyun of Jongin when he was caught eating someone else's pudding. He looked like a stray puppy that was left behind in a cardboard box, begging for someone to adopt him. Baekhyun leaned forward and looked at the boy straight in the eye._

_“I know you realize now that you can't do this alone,” Baekhyun said. “Let me help you.”_

_Kai fidgeted around a bit more before finally acquiescing. “Alright,” he said. He still sounded reluctant, but the fight was gone from him. “But why are you helping me?”_

_“Because I want you to have Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun said simply. “Your pining is making pine trees as far as Pine Planet wither and die.” He moved to quit the video game and then stood up to turn off the console. “C'mon, help me clean up.”_

_Kai made a face but obeyed anyway. “But what's in it for you, hyung?” Kai asked, as he placed both of their controllers on the shelf beside the TV. “Why do you want to get rid of Chanyeol-hyung as well?”_

_The older paused as he turned off the TV. “Well, that's obvious, isn't it?” At that moment, Baekhyun's back was turned towards him, but Kai saw his face reflected on the now dark TV screen. He smiled slowly when his eyes met Kai's through his reflection. “I want Yifan-hyung.”_

–-

 

薄い壁越しに言うわ、一人呟く「愛して」  
Alone, I mumble through this thin wall, "Love me."

– Rotten Girl, Grotesque Romance (Stalker) [Hatsune Miku]

 

–-

**Author's Note:**

> 1.) Chanyeol is one of my biases. So if you wanted to claw my eyes out while reading that part, imagine how I felt while writing it.
> 
> 2.) Baekhyun being Kai's accomplice wasn't part of the original plot. But then IRL!Baekhyun said something in Sukira like, “I would get jealous (of my friends) too, if my dog pays more attention to them. I would get so jealous that I won't let my friends come over, and that when I take my dog for a walk, I would go to places where there are no people so that s/he could only look at me.” and I thought, 'Well...okay. Headcanon and challenge accepted, Byun Baekhyun.'
> 
> 3.) Events referenced here (like Kris coming back from the world of the unknown and updating his RenRen before Sehun's graduation) follows IRL!EXO's timeline. Credits to [exochocolate](http://exochocolate.livejournal.com/) for that.


End file.
